Parental Lessons Have Done Serious Damage
My siblings and I agree: Our problems in life are directly related to the parental lessons they taught us.
They raised us to think about others, respect our elders, and take responsibility for our actions. They often taught these lessons as casual interactions with them or others outside the family. There was more humor involved than there were raised voices and blatant reprimands shaming us in front of others were unheard of.
Jackie and I discussed this at length. We ran this theory by the other two siblings and they agree. If only our parents were still around so that we could dump our issues squarely in their laps—right where they belong.
Parental Lessons
Lest you think our household was pure Norman Rockwell, let me set you straight. We older three kids fought with a vengeance, aggravated both parents, whined about attending church, and could be selfish brats. Despite that rotten kid-ness, our parents kept teaching and we kept learning and eventually the good lessons prevailed.
Yep, Mary and Gilbert did a lot of bad things to us, and we’re here to tell you that at 61 and 59, we’ve decided to rebel against being nice and thoughtful people. I mean, gee willikers, life’s been a tad hard keeping up with these lessons:
“Treat people the way you want to be treated.”
We heard this adage a lot and on the surface, and as a parental lesson, it makes a lot of sense. But we have realized that we can be nice and helpful to someone and have them turn around and smack us down. What the heck, we ask ourselves. Yet, we can’t seem to avoid continuing trying to be good people.
“Don’t interrupt.” (A Huge Parental Lesson!)
We were taught to say, excuse me or pardon me, when wanting to make a point in the midst of a conversation. Stunned would be the word to describe how we feel when we start to tell something to certain people and are interrupted so many times that our point of view is totally derailed and in frustration we simply cease to speak.
“Stop making that face or it will freeze like that.”
To a little kid that was a really interesting concept. How many of you tried keeping your face in just that contorted expression to see if it would happen? Eventually our mom would start laughing at us so heartily that we couldn’t help but unfreeze our faces and join in. This parental lesson prompted many, many oddball faces.
“Do as I tell you, not as I do.”
I often wished I had had kids for the sole purpose of using this line on them. At least Jackie got to say it to her kids. Parents, good parents, do know best and when they say this, it’s from that vantage point of being older and wiser than their children. It goes along with the fact that we all have wisdom that we choose to disregard. But we sure want to see our protege follow our advice.
“Be nice. Don’t be selfish. Think of other people first.”
Gee, how many ways can you slap the self-centeredness out of a kid? As a grown up, things would go a lot better for us—sometimes—if we’d put ourselves first. Making ourselves a priority can build self-confidence and self-trust while putting others at the head of the line teaches us kindness and generosity.
“What if someone did/said that to you?”
Ouch, that was a particularly effective one. We were never allowed to be mean to disadvantaged kids or people with a physical restriction. They taught us that there is a why behind a person who is slow, or someone walking with a white cane, or who has a hook for a hand. Our parents explained that while a person may be wearing their “disability” on the outside, if we treated them with anything less than proper regard, we wore our meanness in the open for the world to see. And that was worse. In this day of cyber bullying running rampant, this is a good lesson to keep teaching children.
“Respect your elders.”
Now that I’m elder (to anyone under 50, at least) I want to know why my generation stopped teaching this to our kids. It might be one of the main tidbits I was looking forward to benefiting from. It also probably explains one of the reasons I have such affection for the elderly. We were taught to respect those senior to us because they have lived longer, seen more, and as a result, are far more sagacious than children.
“If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all.”
What a way to control being a bully! There may be times when we (still) should keep our mouths shut as grownups since not everything we say can be a shiny pearl of wisdom. That admitted, there are times when we owe it to ourselves to say, “Hey—you hurt my feelings/ticked me off/bruised my heart/acted like a jerk.” But we don’t, we hold it in. Or, sometimes a worse thing to do and harder because we’ve had little practice saying the bad things, words come flying out with rage instead of rational language. Better to remind ourselves: shut it.
“Never lie.”
Oh boy, is that a hard one. I distinctly remember lying to my dad when I was about seven years old. He knew the truth of the situation and knew I was lying to him. I knew he knew I was lying. Around and around we went until he finally asked, “Now, are you telling me the truth?” I burst into tears and admitted no, that I wasn’t. What a lesson in honesty! Seester, being naturally a sweeter person than I, probably never tried lying to mom or dad. Us, having learned this so clearly, are the first to tell the truth when one asks the other: “Do these pants make my butt look big?”
Parental Lessons Included Longevity of Love
Our parents were married on September 1, 1951.
We miss them daily and are thankful for the life-lessons they instilled in us and the love they shared.
Gilbert & Mary Griffith, 1991 
Mary & Gilbert Griffith, 1991
Our parents shared a seriously warped sense of humor.
**
Read: More fun family stuff, Owning the Idiot Grin
I love the life lessons we learned from them. I do wish they would have taught more about confrontation. I’m horrible at that. They were great parents and I had a great growing up!
Yes, I agree with that. We face confrontations throughout our lives, but since we didn’t witness them at home, it’s been a lesson to learn. Well, except for me, right? I hassled all of you!
I have a friend whose mom always used to tell her boys, stop screwing around on the slide and monkey bars you’re going to fall and break your leg off. Well, sure enough the five year old fell off the side of the slide at a kindergarten picnic and broke his leg. Mom rushed him to the hospital, they set his leg, put it in a cast and wheeled him to his room where mom was waiting. He looked up at mom and said “well, how long before it happens?” She asked him what he was talking about and he said “how long before it falls off???” Poor little bugger was laying there waiting for his leg to fall right off. Oh the things we say and have no idea how kids are taking it. I told one of the little ones to “jump in the shower” it was almost bed time. She said, “do I have to jump? It looks kind of slippery”. Lol
Susan, those are great examples of how kids hear what we say! What a hoot! Since the adults didn’t yell at me this weekend, I must have done pretty good for a non-parent. We clearly saw where they learn by imitation–that is so intimidating for an adult. I don’t want other adults to copy me, let alone a kid!
Great post, Rose Mary!
I still remember the day my dad taught me how to interrupt a conversation between two people in a very polite way. I could describe the exact scene and his exact words, and how he forced me to put the lesson in practice within two minutes. I was 5 or 6!
Unlike what Jeannette mentioned, your parents raised you to be respectful. I don’t see any tough love at all. If more parents did that, kids would have a stronger basis for when they become adults.
Sounds like you could blog about the proper way for kids to interrupt. I’m currently visiting with my great niece & nephew, 4 and 2.5–it is a blast to see the different ways they try to get an adult’s attention. Screaming is not an option–their parents have already taught them that!
Most of life comes down to being respectful to others, isn’t it?
Your parents were married on my birthday! It’s funny how our parent’s advice is hermetically sealed in our minds. I think my parents own the same “advice” manuel. Although I do remember one that is tied to.” What if some one did that to you”. When I was about 10 I sat at the kitchen table bad- mouthing my friend, Susan. My father walked in from the another room and sat down next to me at the kitchen table. I asked him, “what are you doing”? and he said, “I’ve come to speak for Susan, it’s not fair to say such unkind words about someone when they’re not here to give their side of the story.That shut me up : )
I can blame a lot of things on my parents. My white skin, my demeanor. It’s funny I use almost all of these sayings on my kids. I just think it’s a way to try to turn them into good people hopefully. Plus a mixture of everything we were told as a kid too. In the end we just want them to be good human beings and happy.
i always enjoy reading about “normal” families because my parents were so screwed up – seriously, no joking. But after getting professional help to deal with stuffed anger issues I managed to wrap my head around the fact that they did the best they could and really that’s all the best any of us can do. Wonderful article Rose!
Marty, I think everyone is screwed up, we just have different dimensions and degrees of it. No lie!
It is, also, in what we choose to remember after our parents are gone. There is no logic on concentrating on anything bad. I look back and think: Wow, we sure had a lot of fun! Instead of thinking of the, darn it that ticked me off, stuff.
Therapy and lots of red wine helps this winning attitude! HA!
My mother died around the time I was heading to uni and I recall being very grateful for all the ‘dull’ necessities she had drummed into us as children. Table manners, social etiquette and lubrication, how to ‘fit in’ if required, being nice but not a pushover…..
But more I was grateful for her role model as an incredibly determined athlete, highly successful educator and academic. Someone who pushed me to be the best I could in anything I did. To seek out the best people and train with them if I could, not to stint on hard work and to learn to do things myself without relying on others. She showed me how to be independent, that being a girl did not mean I had to set my sights lower, nor that I should settle for anything less than my goals.
She believed in us and fought our corner if needed. That felt amazing, to have someone like her on my side, always.
Parents leave scars, in the end you have to chose to forgive them for their humanity and move on!
Well said, (from one Rose to another) Rose! I’m sorry to hear that you lost your mom so young–although there is never a good age to say goodbye to them.
They are scars, no doubt about it, but they did the best they could do and truly surrounded us with love. Who can complain about that?
A nice remembrance Rose. How many people do you meet who you wish would have gotten and listened to that advice. It almost seems it has been replaced by “just grab everything you can for yourself.”
You’re right, Ken. In the end, I’d rather err on the side of respect and generous than to be remembered for having “it” all stashed somewhere!
This is beautiful Rose. I can totally relate to the expressions you shared and likely more of what you may not have shared. Respect your elders – yes, that’s missing. But so is respect in general missing from so many people. It makes me wonder if it’s their parents fault. Lovely post.
Glad that you enjoyed it, Pat! I wonder, too, where that lack of respect went to–who caused its demise.
I think that respect for others is missing because this generation does not know how to respect themselves let alone others. Teenagers and children need to love and respect themselves and so few really do.
You are right about that, Pauline.
I loved this as well! I wish I could have met your parents. 🙂
It brings back many memories, usually involving the talks mom would give me after breaking one of these rules. 😉
I am trying to raise my kids with these same rules, along with more as I learn:
*I will treat you fairly, not equally. Not everything in life is fair. (Worded age appropiately. Ex: 5 year olds have more responsibility than 1 year olds.)
*use kind words/voice. ALL points can be made using respect, minus anger. (I’m working on this, too!)
I will add that I have a pet peeve dealing with the respect for elders portion (not with what you wrote, but in today’s application). I like my kids to say Mr./Mrs./Miss; however, there are several adults we are friends with that ask my kids to call them by their first names. Although my expectation for respect is still there, I still feel that the implied respect that comes with the formal salutations is lost. Adults should always be treated with respect, even if that respect hasn’t been earned (or has been lost).
I love the insight into your life growing up. Thanks for sharing.
I love that last one, Tammy. We used to call our parents’ friends Aunt & Uncle. We were in our teens and still did it. You are right that it was a respect thing. I’d be tempted to tell your friends that you don’t want the kids to use their first names.
PS. I like niece & nephews–you may confuse your kids and tell them to call me Aunt. HAHAHAHA
Our parents must have been related! LOL There is not one… not even one thing that I didn’t hear from my parents as well. Maybe not all of them were wise and wonderful, but I gotta say I wish today’s parents instilled such things in their kids. I hear the argument that it’s a different world, but it’s not really. The things in it are, the way we going about doing things is, but people and their base emotions are the same. Loved this…made me smile:)
I’m convinced our parents knew each other!
Glad to make you laugh as you make me do many, many times!
What a nice post. It sounds as if your parents left you a great legacy, in spite of the issues you wish to dump in their laps. I especially like their lesson about respect. The lessons that last are the ones that our parents lived, not just talked to us about.
Well said, Donna. Well said. Our parents were far from perfect–who is–but they did lead by example. I remember a time when we were under oh, say…8, 6 and 4. We three were bickering with each other as kids will do. Our parents, sitting across from each other started fighting about who knows what. Three kids shut their mouths in stunned silence. One parent said: That’s what you sound like to us!
I don’t know how long that lesson lasted, but I do remember it!
Rose, you had such a good loving home, no wonder you turned out as nice as you did. I love those sayings – as a child you think, oh yeah, right, – but as an adult you’re able to appreciate their wisdom.
There are two I zoned in on:
Don’t interrupt – i hate when I’m talking and someone starts telling their point of view without waiting for me to finish – there have been times when I just decided to out talk them, silly I know and not even effective.
The other is, respect your elders. Somehow over the years this has gotten lost, but this includes respect for everyone in authority.
A humorous article with a great message.
Lenie! I love that someone as nice and generous-minded as you tries the out-talk thing from time to time. I do, too, but I don’t usually win!
I’m teaching my great niece & nephew (well, first to call me Super Aunt Rosemary instead of great) all about the elder thing. This is good because my sister and their parents are doing the same reinforcement!
As children, we believe our parents are being tough on us and in most cases they are!
They are trying to set us up for the future. To guide us in the right way and instil manners, compassion and a good attitude.
My mother was rather strict and I yearned to stay out later and go on sleepovers but the answer was always no. Of course as a 15 year old you do not understand (or care), but I do now.
Fifteen year olds are the best leaders of rebellions, aren’t they? Ha! I love the lessons that our parents taught us and my siblings feel the same way.
Rose — sounds like you grew up with “tough love.” It seemed to work for you and your sister but I think a lot of parents step over the line and can make their children too timid to say what they think or become angry when it’s ok to be angry.
Oh gosh Jeannette, it was supposed to be more tongue-in-cheek about how they taught us lessons we still use. Truly there wasn’t anything very tough about either of our folks when it came to raising us. Lots of love, an unending pool of humor and the lessons that I wish parents would still teach their kids.
I live this post, Rose. Our parents teach us so much in subtle and sometimes direct ways.
I can really relate to the point you make about becoming frustrated when someone doesn’t listen to a word we’re saying. I have a friend who I wish would read this, but she’s not online.
Don’t we all have at least one person like that in our lives? We love them, but sometimes wish they would simply listen more.